Don't need saving
by readerwholic
Summary: Can love save you when you're far too gone? ENTRY FOR THE PSILY CONTEST


Hello you guys ! How are you doing ? I know some of you just celebrated Christmas, how was it ? Merry enough ? What did you get ? Was it nice stuff ?!

So this was my entry for the PSILY contest, didn't win a thing, but as the old adage goes « the most important is to participate » and that's exactly what I did.

This was beta'ed by one amazing lady out there, Nikita, who was an emergency beta for the contest and who didn't hold back and helped me clean this up thoroughly, so THANK YOU !

Warning : This story contains elements of self harm thoughts that may trigger unwanted feelings. If reading such thing causes you distress, please do not proceed.

DON'T NEED SAVING.

Days blur together in front of your eyes and you're just a shadow in this whole messed up existence. You're just another face in the crowd, a drop in the ocean, a needle in a haystack, no more important than a wall standing by itself, supporting so much, yet people are eager to get rid of it, "to add some space" they say. Well, I tried to spare them the energy and time by trying it myself once. Okay, it wasn't once, maybe a little more. We could always count the scars on my pale and once flawless skin, it's almost translucent; you could perfectly trace the veins. Yep, the pun is totally intended.

I'm just a teen, one of gazillion others, seventeen and plain, so very plain with my petite frame, long brown hair and brown eyes; my dad's eyes, one of the very few things I've inherited from Charlie. I don't hate my body, I'm just plain per se and I'm okay with that.

Charlie's the Chief of the police department here in Forks, the small town where he lives. My mother and he got divorced when I was much younger and I've never had a problem with that fact, I don't remember us as family, so I never missed the dynamic. I used to live in Phoenix with my mom before she passed away. My reasons to live died with her.

She lost her battle against breast cancer. And sometimes I blame her for not fighting harder, going further, trying the treatments. But most of all, I blame her for not telling me, leaving me in the dark, and what does me in every single time, is that I've never seen anything, I never realized she was sick until it was too late, she was my world and I didn't even notice the telltale signs of her disease.

After she died, my whole world collapsed. I was forced to move to Forks where it's rainy and cloudy as hell. I have to live with my always absent father, and survive my nonexistent social life. I go to Forks High and it's as boring as sitting in a dark empty room, or so I feel. Everyone else has a friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend or even just someone to string along. I'm alone though. All I have is a body and a razor to cut it with.

Although, there's this very sweet girl, Angela, I remember her name because she's such an angel to me and there's this other girl who's way too talkative for my ears to handle, but we're not that close anyway. As much as I want to call them my friends, they really aren't. We just sit together at lunch time and I stay awkwardly silent every time. Angela always tries to pull me out of it, but she never succeeds. I can't blame her though; I am not exactly cooperative.

I just sit and remember. Her smile, that's what I miss the most about my mother. The time we spent together too, planning my graduation, the college I'd attend, the dreams I'd get to realize; and I just want to join her wherever she is. I know it's selfish of me right now, especially towards Charlie, but I couldn't care less because it hurts so much. I don't have it in me to continue anymore; I don't even understand the purpose of my existence. I just keep going, trying to make sense of my father's words: "As long as we breathe, we need to continue because some people somewhere else don't have the same chances we do, they're fighting for their lives."

But I can't, I never could; I just don't get it.

I miss so much about my life from before, nothing as much as my mother, but I miss the feeling of waking up in the morning. I haven't had the chance to feel that way in a long time. I have to get a good night's sleep first, to be able to wake up. Lately, the few times that I get to be unconscious are when I'm having a nightmare that's sucking the energy and life out of me.

҉

After a long sleepless night, I have to get ready for school. I shower quickly; sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Then I put on what could pass for a uniform, if it wasn't for the different colors: jeans, a hoodie and sneakers. I don't have breakfast this morning. I have no energy to eat; besides, nothing tastes good anymore. Charlie, of course, is long gone so I take my red truck, my 'welcome home' present and get going.

Morning classes pass in no time, mainly because I pay attention to none. I sit in the cafeteria near my classmates who are chatting together, but I don't even care what they're talking about. It's probably stupid gossip. I prefer to drown in one of my books and forget for the briefest of times the numbness that has taken permanent residence in my chest. It's so much easier to live vicariously through other characters, enjoy their lives and laugh about their jokes, probably fall in love with their significant others just as they do, and realize when closing the book that you'll never have anything that compares.

I have biology next so I head to class, but when I enter the lab, I see a guy is sitting in my chair. Great! That's just what I need right now. Angry, I walk towards the boy who's facing away from me.

"Could you please move? That's my place you're sitting in." I'm being a bitch but I have no mind to care right now.

He turns around and I'm met with the most beautiful pair of green eyes I've ever seen. I'm momentarily reduced to silence. I shake away my haze only to see him gazing at me intensely. He has the audacity to smirk then.

"I'm sorry; I'd been told that it was an empty seat, so I took it."

I answer dryly, "The one that is actually empty is the one just next to mine, but this seat is taken, so could you please move?" I'm short and to the point.

"No problem, ma'am."

I can almost hear him laughing, and I want to give him a piece of my mind, but I have no energy left in me by this time. Suddenly I see a hand appear in my periphery. "I'm Edward Cullen by the way. I'm new here."

"I'm Bella," I say with lassitude and take his hand to get it over with. When our fingers touch, I think I feel something; it's like the tiniest jolt of electricity. I can't describe it properly; I just felt something new for a few seconds, _wow, that's strange_. I pull my hand back quickly and take my seat, not even looking at him to figure out what just occurred. I just go back to where I have always felt safe for the last few months, my world of blackness and numbness.

As the bell rings signaling the end of class, I collect my stuff and head directly home, not caring to attend gym. PE has never been my forte and there's no need to humiliate myself in a room full of ruthless kids. Finally in my bed, sleep claims me in a dreamless, restless blackout. When I wake up what seems like a couple of hours later, I feel as if I've been gone for days; I blink and try to move, but it's as if I'm attached to the bed and have no strength left in me.

I'm shaken out of my comatose state by Charlie opening the front door.

"Bella, I'm home!" he announces.

I descend the stairs to meet my dad in the kitchen; he's already discarded his boots and holster. "Hey Bella, I brought a pizza so we don't have to cook tonight. Why don't we sit and eat before it runs cold, kid?"

"Okay, dad," As I get plates and cups from the cupboards and set them on the small table in the kitchen.

"Have you eaten anything today?"

I want to say yes, but when he sees me hesitate he knows for sure that I haven't.

"Bella, you have to eat," he says, trying to reason with me.

"It's okay, don't worry."

"No it's not, you're my daughter and I worry about you. I'm always at work, I know. I should take better care of you than that." His eyes are watery now, and it's tearing me apart more than before. I've been troubling my father for so long now, his life would be better without me around and I feel numb again. I'm longing for the blackness and nothingness that I felt before. It suited me; it was empty, just like I am right now. That is what I need. I give him a hug to try to appease him, but we both know it's just meant to give him a false sense of security.

I really think that it's time for me to go. There is no point in my living anymore. I have neither goals nor hopes. My dad's the only one who is going to mourn me, but with his busy schedule he's going to forget. He'll heal, and it will be better for him, more than he thinks. He won't have to look after me, or run to the hospital every so often.

It's the only decision that I've made in a while, and I'm determined to go through with it, no matter what.

The next few days are all spent in similar fashion. Charlie tries to be home earlier for dinner and stays behind for breakfast to make sure I eat something, but nothing changes about me or how I feel. I let my ideas simmer for a couple of weeks. The new guy, Edward, tries more often than not to strike up a conversation with me, and strangely enough I find myself willing to answer him. I feel a sense of comfort whenever I am close to him I can't explain why, but his words seem to get through to me. He could really help people if he wanted to, maybe even people like me. I wonder if what I'm about to do will make him choose it as his path, trying to deal with depressed people. I wonder if he'll be affected to hear of I plan to do.

҉҉҉҉҉

You know when you feel you don't belong? When you feel that your life stops and you have nowhere to go from there, and you're just done?

I'm there.

I'm ready to leave it all behind. I'm headed towards something unknown, yet it's all I feel like knowing nowadays, the sooner the better. I won't chicken out this time I'll make it one simple cut, deep and profound, just like my sorrow. I won't miss anything, I won't regret anything. I don't owe anything to anybody.

So here I am, attending my last biology class. I'll create some excuse and just ditch gym, like always. I don't want to be embarrassed before I quit life.

I had never imagined that one day I'd be one of those teens who thought of disappearing or dying, but I can't find any other solution to my equation. Dying seems to be the only answer. I'm no more than a burden, a plus, an appendix. But one cut, and everything will be fine; I'll get to see my mother, she'll hug me like there's no tomorrow, and there will be no tomorrow. Maybe we could even watch chick flicks up there, who knows. All I know is that my world without her in it is not worth it at all.

I was distracted during lab, I couldn't concentrate, my thoughts were everywhere. Cullen seemed to be trying to get me to talk but I was absolutely not in the mood. Maybe once I'm gone he can find a chattier lab partner. I'm sure he will appreciate the change; after all I don't think he's happy to have me as a classmate. I'm stoic and immobile and my mind's always wandering elsewhere. Maybe he'll even feel relieved.

I decide to head deep into the woods, but leave my truck in Charlie's driveway. I don't want to kill myself in the house so Charlie wouldn't see my lifeless body every time he was there. Besides, it's not like I deserve to die somewhere warm and that could be called a home, somewhere cold, dark and somber will be good enough.

When I get far enough into the woods, I drop to my knees, get the blade that I brought and bring it to my wrist. I try not to think too much and quickly pass it over the thin skin there, just one sweep. That one motion burns deep inside my vein, but the emptiness I felt lately actually hurt more than this. I feel the hot liquid dripping down my hand. I start to feel cold. I'm shivering, but not from fear of the unknown this is just a response to losing blood. I feel myself drifting off into blissful oblivion.

There's a voice calling me, and I think for a split second that it's just my imagination. It's all muffled in my head and I just want this to end. But the voice gets closer, and then I feel arms around me. Green eyes are pleading with mine to stay open.

With great effort I manage, "Please just let me go, please just leave," I whisper.

"No, Bella! Stay with me, okay? Open your eyes!" the voice pleads.

I think I hear him calling 911 while fumbling around, and my eyes water, "Please, I want to die. Just let me go and rest in peace," Everything looks hazy now.

He shakes his head vehemently. "No. You... just, please stay with me. Just don't close your eyes, please don't!"

There's a pleading to his voice and I can't quite decipher its origin. For a mere second I entertain the idea of fighting and keeping my eyes open, but I am overcome with a wave of nausea and everything goes black.

I was used to emptiness, but is this it? Death? Am I not going to be with my mother? Am I not going to see her even though I did this just to see her peaceful features again?

I feel even more lost than before. Am I flying? Am I out of my body? It's like I'm doomed to this darkness forever.

҉҉҉҉҉

I feel warm hands holding mine. When I blink my eyes and open them wide, my dad is sitting there, and apparently I'm on a hospital bed and still ALIVE.

Charlie looks at me and says, "Finally, beautiful! I thought I've lost you forever." His voice cracks at the end.

I just stare back at him, because no words come to my mind at this moment. I don't know if I want to scream in disappointment because I'm still breathing, or sigh and thank whatever angel took care of me and didn't let me die. Then I suddenly remember that there definitely had been an angel.

"Edward, where is he?" I manage to say, my voice raspy. I break off with a cough, my throat parched.

Charlie hands me a cup of water. "There you go, sweetheart." He kisses my knuckles and continues, "That boy has hardly left your side since you were brought in here. I made him leave to shower and eat something. He'll be back in a few." He sits back, looking a bit upset.

I nod and let the tears I didn't know I was holding, fall. I don't know why I am crying, but it's the only thing that I can manage to do right now. "I am sorry that I put you through this," I say, though without much truth. I'm a blubbering mess and his eyes are watery.

"Shhhh, Bella. Just get better and we'll talk about it all. Okay?"

There's a soft knock on the door and Edward appears.

"Hi, Chief Swan," he whispers quietly, until he realizes I'm awake, a lazy smile gracing his features. "Oh! Hey there, Bella."

Charlie clears his throat and gets up. "I'll go talk to your dad, Edward," He gives Edward his serious look, the one that's meant to scare people. I don't even know why he would need to scare him.

Edward nods at him and comes to sit in the chair Charlie just vacated. When the door closes behind my father, I see Edward hesitating, but then he seems to make up his mind. He takes my hands in his; mine seem so small in comparison. I don't know what happens exactly, but I'm instantly calm and almost feel... safe from the demons that constantly haunt me.

"Bella, I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry that I didn't notice earlier," he says imploringly, looking me in the eyes.

I'm stunned, my mouth agape for a few seconds. "You don't have to be sorry; you're not the one who cut his wrists. I should be the one to be sorry for what I did but I'm not. I can't be. I'm only sorry because you were there, and witnessed what happened."

He sighs and stares at me, and then just says out of the blue, "You're going to forget. You're going to want to live more than anything else, I promise you."

In utter disbelief I manage to say, "What? How would you know? How can you be so sure? You can't promise me something like that."

He smiles weakly. "I know because I am going to do that. I'm going to give you a real taste of living, not just breathing. That's a promise."

I can't believe what he's saying, I can't let myself hang on to false hopes, I can't let his words affect me more than they already have.

"Why would you do that? I mean nothing to you. We don't even know to each other. It's not like we're friends or something."

He just smiles again and squeezes my hands. "Get better, Bella, and I'll answer all your questions. Well, at least I'll try to."

҉҉҉҉҉

After a few days in the hospital, and more counseling sessions scheduled, I'm finally able to leave. I just want to go home, to my room. It feels so bizarre to say 'my room' because I have never really thought of it as mine. But it's still better than the hospital, because let me tell you; being on a suicide watch is no fun.

Charlie wants to carry me all the way to his cruiser, but I protest.

"I cut my wrists, not my feet, I can walk," I say. I know it's a low blow, but it gets the point across. At the door of the hospital room, stand Edward and Dr Cullen, his father, to greet me. When he came to visit, he volunteered some information about his family. His mother Esme is a stay at home mother with a knack for interior design. He has a younger sister, Alice, a freshman in Forks High School. She came to see me at the hospital actually, and brought me 'girly things' that nobody wanted to touch with a ten-foot pole, her words, not mine. She also brought me magazines, because "It's either reading about celebrities going crazy or you're going to get crazy between these hospital walls." After she handed me the latest issues of all the gossip rags, she hugged me like I was her sister and promised she'd be back with more goodies, all I had to do was give her a call.

Edward, of course, always came to check on me after school. He even volunteered to help me because I was going to be behind in class, but like the pain in the ass I am, I always declined. I didn't want his pity; this was probably his way of washing his hands of my blood.

If pity is his motive to help me, I don't want him around me, because I don't need another weight to drag with me. I'm not healed; I'm still in pain, emotionally, physically. I hate how annoying and selfish I am. I'm not even thinking about Charlie and the pain he would feel after losing his one and only daughter. I hate how pathetic I am and I hate that I don't have the courage to kill myself, because it's the one thing in the world I want to do. I hate that I'm not good at anything.

I hate this world that exists without my mother in it. Everyone around me is living, smiling and laughing. All I do is mope and think about killing myself.

҉҉҉҉҉

I try to get back to a somewhat regular life. I return to high school even though Charlie insisted I take a few days as a breather or even study from home if I wanted to. But my psychologist said if the problem did not emanate from school itself there was no need to stay home. Upon returning, I discovered that nobody knew why I had been absent for three weeks. Edward told our classmates that I had taken a trip to Arizona to visit with family there, and for that I was grateful.

As much as I want to say he gets on my nerves all the time, I have to admit that I am slowly getting used to his presence and him helping me around. It scares me at times, and I don't even know the reason why. He has yet to tell me how he knew where I was on that day, or why he even cared enough to not just let me die, but I do plan to get all my answers from him.

One question still looms in my mind all the time though, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to answer it. Am I grateful he saved me or not? I'm still angry at him for that, I think, but I'm angry at everyone and everything so that's not the point. I guess only the future will give me a tangible answer.

҉

Talking to a complete stranger twice a week has really helped a lot more than I thought it would. Mrs. Cope, my psychologist, lets me speak at times about everything and anything, but at other times she just cuts to the chase and asks me a lot of questions; tough ones, might I add. Sometimes I answer and others I just try to escape them, the key word here being 'try'. It helps me see things in a new light, and understand more than I did before. She makes matters seem simple for her everything has a solution, and she helps me see it too. Exteriorizing all my pent up emotions, might it be anger or sadness has done me a world of good.

Right now I'm in the middle of my Tuesday session with Mrs. Cope, and I want to go home already, after only ten minutes in.

"If you were to choose between a blade and your life, what would you choose and why?" She asked me seriously. I've been silent ever since. I honestly don't know what I would choose right now. My hesitation is what shocks me the most. A month ago I wouldn't even have blinked, but now I just sit there, weighing all my options.

"Your hesitation is good and bad, Bella," She says. "It's bad because you haven't chosen life yet, but good because you don't want to end it given the choice. You're at a crossroads and you're lost, you don't know what to choose."

"Choosing the blade would be the easier way out, that's for sure," I mumble.

"But like I said before, it never has been about taking easy decisions; it's all about taking GOOD decisions." She puts down her pen and tilts her head to the left as if waiting for me to say something.

"I know, I took the easiest way out because I'm a coward," I say, shaking my head as if in regret.

"You're not a coward; you've just been lost for so long that you took the suicide route because it seemed logical, is all."

Tears start to fall out of my eyes silently; I have no urge to wipe them away so I let them fall freely.

"What is the first thing you thought of that made you hesitate?" she pushes further.

My answer is simple.

"Edward."

҉҉҉҉

"Why did you do it?" I ask Edward as soon as he opens the door.

After leaving Mrs. Cope's office with my head full of questions, I headed directly to the Cullens' house. I wanted answers and I wanted them now.

He just stands there looking at me, frowning. "What did I do?"

"That day. The day you saved me, why did you do it?"

He sighs and gestures inside. "Bella, please get in."

"Not unless you tell me why."

"Okay, I'll tell you everything, just get in. You're gonna get cold," he insists, always the gentleman.

Once we are upstairs in his room, he lets me settle on the loveseat, while he sits on his bed facing me.

"A couple of weeks after I joined school here, I started noticing certain things about you. You were always alone, always in your own world. You never talked to anyone. You acted like more than just a melancholic teenager, you were depressed. I knew the signs, I've seen them before. They reminded me of my mother, my biological mother," he says as he bows his head, sighing deeply.

"What?" I'm momentarily stunned, if Esme's not his biological mother, why do they look so much alike? They don't have the same built, but they definitely have the same coloring.

He puts his elbows on his knees, and looking me right in the eyes, continues, "Esme and Carlisle adopted me when I was seven, Esme is actually my aunt, but for me they're both my parents, I'm their son and Alice's older brother and that'll never change."

If I thought what he just said was surprising, I didn't know what was in store for me next.

I nod to him to continue and he speaks again, "Esme and my mother were sisters; they used to live in Chicago. My mother and father were high school sweethearts, they went away to college together and had their whole life planned out. He ended up proposing to my mother senior year of college, a couple of months shy of graduation. But he got cold feet and bailed on her on the eve of graduation and she never saw him again. She was really heartbroken, even more so when she realized a few days later that she was pregnant."

He takes a huge a breath, as if he's been running, but keeps going. "I guess she never got over him. She did everything to be her better self, her old self; for me, but she was just depressed and never could get out of it. She said I reminded her of him too much."

He wipes his hands on his jeans and I just sit there, barely breathing, taking in every word he says.

"One day after school, I got home on the school bus as always. When I entered the house, it was quiet, which was not unusual. But I'll always remember the silence on that day."

He takes a shuddering breath and I have to fight a feeling of impending doom. The hairs on the back of my head stand on end, and my breathing quickens. I hear a swishing sound in my ears and I gulp what little saliva I have in my mouth.

"I called for her, "MOM!" I called, but she never answered. I looked for her everywhere in the house, but she was nowhere. When I got to her room, I found her lying on her bed. She looked so peaceful I had never seen her that calm in my life, she looked like a sleeping angel. She... she had all these empty medication bottles next to her, but I didn't understand what had happened. I just shook her over and over again, but she wouldn't wake up." Tears stain his beautiful face, and I want to go to him, stop him, but I can't. I'm frozen in place, and I know he needs to tell it once and for all, his story.

"I cried for her to get up already, she just wouldn't. So I sat next to her on her bed and waited for her to come about, but she never did. After what seemed like hours later, I called Esme, I had her number memorized, and told her mom wouldn't wake up. All I remember after that was paramedics everywhere, and the next morning Esme and Carlisle took with them. I became a Cullen a month later," he finishes, nodding his head, not looking at me anymore.

I don't know what to say. How can he still speak to me? I must remind him of her, of the most horrible moment of his life. How can he even look at me?

I go to him and just hug him tight. I hug him for what he had to endure as a child, and for what I made him go through. It must have been horrible to relive that nightmare all over again. That is why he wanted to help all along; he has seen it before and doesn't want to see it again. He wanted to save me because he couldn't be there in time to save his own mother.

"I followed you that day, all that week actually. I sensed something different about you, you looked determined, and I recognized that look. I knew you were up to something and I just..."

He doesn't finish; he can't. We are both a sobbing mess, falling to the ground in each others' arms trying to find solace in our shared pain.

҉

The days following his revelation about his past, Edward and I spend together, doing nothing momentous, it was either as mundane as eating lunch together at the cafeteria or completing our assignments for school. But for me, it felt as if we took this huge leap forward, we finally seemed to form a bond, a real friendship. We got into a somewhat comfortable routine, nothing is uncomfortable around him, quite the contrary actually, and after the third time I slept on his shoulder during break between classes, I finally admitted that nightmares still robbed me of my sleep but that his presence and breathing seemed to have a calming effect on me, so he offered to sneak in my room when I had particularly bad nights so I could catch some sleep. I declined, laughing that I was big enough to sleep alone.

I didn't laugh anymore the next night, when every time I closed my eyes my demons appeared behind my eyelids. With dark circles under my eyes the next morning I ask him to spend the night with me. He accepts in a heartbeat.

"Charlie will be gone at six for his night shift," I tell him, so he could come after dad's not home.

"So, you want your dad out of the house so you can have your way with me, Swan," He says with a huge grin.

"Don't worry I won't steal your virtue." As I laugh along with him.

Later that night, the softest slumber overtakes me, and in his arms I sleep like I haven't in a long time.

҉

Once I convinced Charlie that I was alright, he went back to work. He had to make an important trip to Port Angeles it seems some serious action went down around the time when I was out of it. Apparently there's a guy who's robbed many houses in the area, killed nine people in the process, and hasn't been caught yet. So all the cops in the area want to collaborate and mesh the jurisdictions so they can get him, like something out of a real CSI episode.

When I'm finally lying in bed, ready to drift to sleep, I hear a noise downstairs. I don't give it much thought and close my eyes, but then I hear something again and I start to freak out. I can't even call Charlie, he's out of town. So I call the only other person who comes to mind. I nearly jump when I hear another noise. "Shit," I hiss as I dial his number, "Edward!"

There's silence and then, "Bella! Hey, what is it? Are you all right?"

I lock my door and go hide in my closet. "Edward! I think I heard a noise in my house and I'm alone. I'm scared; I don't know what to do!" I'm trying really hard not to panic.

"Bella! Calm down. I'm on my way. I'll be there in ten, just end the call and dial nine one one, okay?"

Hearing his voice at the end of the line calms me down a few notches, and despite the fear I felt minutes ago, I rationalize a bit, "No, what if it's nothing? I don't want to disturb them or have them tell Charlie. Just stay on the line with me, please... and hurry up."

"Okay Bella, just lock yourself up and don't panic. I'm minutes away."

"All right."

I hear him start his car. "Hey! Just don't get pulled over for speeding, I can't hide in my closet forever."

He just chuckles at my comment and I'm momentarily distracted by the rich sound. I can hear his uneven breathing as he maneuvers the car.

"Are you still far away? My leg is cramping, I don't think I can manage to run if it comes to it," I say in a whisper.

"Don't worry Bella, I'm here. I'm going to get to you through your window; can you open it for me?"

"What? The window is too far, I don't want to get out of my hiding place."

He huffs, sounding annoyed, "Bella, open the window."

"Okay, just be careful when coming up." I get out of the closet and tiptoe to open the window so he can get in. Once he's in my room he takes me in his arms, and just like that I'm not scared anymore. I love this feeling. I could live like this till the end of time and I wouldn't ask for anything more than the security his arms offer. When I look up, all I see are his eyes. If it were possible to drown in eyes, I'd be submerged in a pool of green. They're so beautiful and they have so much life behind them, I'm enraptured.

Edward lets go of me and decides to go downstairs and see what's going on there, but I don't let him.

"What if there's someone there? What if he's armed or something? I can't let you do that."

"Don't worry, it's probably nothing." He tries to calm me, but I'm not fooled. He looks paler than he usually does, and his breathing has picked up yet again.

"You think I would've called you if it was nothing, really?" I ask, incredulous.

"I'm really wounded, Bella. I thought you appreciated me more than that," he mocks me, touching his heart as though wounded.

He quietly opens the door to my room and I'm hot on his heels. He doesn't want me to follow him, but I insist, so he concedes. All noise seems to have ceased, but the silence is no less scary. As we descend the stairs one by one, trying to avoid the squeaky ones, and yes Edward knows them; he became a pro after all the times he had to sneak out unnoticed out of my room.

We get to the first floor, but nothing looks out of place. We decide to check the kitchen and head slowly toward the door making sure we're silent the entire time. We're tiptoeing and barely breathing, to an outsider we'd probably look comical.

When we enter the kitchen, nothing looks out of place, until a sudden movement jolts us both. I cry out as Edward takes a defensive stance resembling the one Bruce Lee makes before starting his fights. We stay like this for a second, no more than a blink of an eye, before realizing who the intruder is.

"Miaou!" The fur ball has the audacity to move past us as if it owns the freaking place.

"A cat. It was a pussy that had your panties in a twist all along," Edward smirks at the bad joke he just made.

"You're one to talk, Bruce Lee!" I respond, trying to copy the stance he took a minute ago.

At that, we start laughing uncontrollably, until I run out of breath and he starts wiping tears from the corners of his eyes. Man, we're crazy, but I don't have a care in the world because it feels so good to let go and be in the moment.

"Come on let's watch TV," I say, waving him to the living room. Maybe we could catch some reruns of 'How I Met Your Mother'; it's all I seem to want to watch these days.

"Do you have something to eat? I was in the middle of heating my dinner when you called," Edward asks. As if emphasizing his point, his stomach chooses that moment to growl.

"Yes, there's some leftover lasagna if you'd like," I point to the fridge.

"Oh! My favorite!" His smile is so joyous, it lights up his entire face. It's contagious, and I can't help my lips lifting at the edges too.

So I take the lasagna container out of the fridge and heat it in the microwave, all the while feeling a bit self conscious as I sense Edward's eyes following each and every one of my movements.

"Here you go." I say as I set the plate in front of him.

"Thanks." And I don't hear him again save for the groaning here and there in appreciation of the meal in front of him. I have to say that silence around him has never bothered me. It's never awkward or strained, it's actually very comfortable, and I'm in no hurry for it to end.

Once we're seated on the couch, remote controls in hand, I finally break the ice. "Hey, thank you for tonight, I don't know what I would've done if you were not here," I say matter-of-factly, turning to him, my knee brushing against his thigh.

He tilts his head toward me. "You know I'm always gonna be here for you, right?" he says and I gulp. Looking into his beautiful eyes I want to tell him I believe him, but I'm scared. He'll surely get tired of me sooner or later; no one wants a moping teenager dragging them down.

He senses my hesitation to answer "What is it Bella?" he asks, turning to face me fully.

"No... nothing," I try to convince him, but it falls on deaf ears.

"Don't, Bella. Just tell me what it is?"

"I continuously remind you of your mother, why do you still stay around?" I blurt out. "Why do you subject yourself to all the pain that comes with remembering what you went through? You're setting yourself for heartbreak all over again." I know I hurt him, it hurts me too, deep in my heart, it does.

"What are you talking about? Why would you bring her up? This situation is very different Bella," he protests.

"No, it isn't. You get dragged around by depressed women, deal with their moodiness and moping and in the end they'll end up leaving, because there's no way out. But you do have a way out, so why do you stay? Aren't you tired of having to be there for me all the time, walking on eggshells around me?" Now I'm standing up, crying and screaming out my pain at him. My breathing is coming in short spurts and I'm almost panting at this point.

"Bella when you care for someone, when you love them deeply, there's no way out for you either. It's a done deal, your life, your survival depends on theirs."

His stance mimics mine his eyes red, trying to contain the tears. I lost that battle when he came out with his admission. But I cannot handle it anymore; I can't go through that again. What if I let him in further and he leaves me afterwards? What if something happens to him? I won't survive that, I'd die on the spot.

"Please leave me alone, Edward." I cast my eyes down and hope he'll just go and leave me alone already, so I can stay alone like I was always meant to be.

"Don't you dare shut down on me," he says sternly, stepping closer. "When will you get that I don't do anything for you because I pity you? Have you considered even for a second that I do it because I want to?" He takes my face in his warm hands as he looks into my eyes. I waver for a second, I can't handle those eyes, I can't, but I have to. He's better without my constant negativity around him. I need to be strong just once and deny myself his presence in my life.

"Am I not enough, Bella?" he says, and his voice just about breaks me. I feel my heart shatter and the pain is far worse than any other I have felt before.

"Edward, please!" I hardly know what I am pleading for at this point.

His sigh resonates in the silent space. It sends me over the edge and my tears fall freely and soundlessly.

"Be careful, Bella. Don't forget to close the door from the inside after I leave." His concern makes me cry harder. Hearing the door close behind him is all I need to fall to the ground and sob loudly into the night.

҉

"My beautiful daughter, why are you doing this to yourself?" The calm features of my mother face me as I lie down, my head I her lap, her hands caressing my locks. "Mom, is that really you?" I'm astonished, I don't know how this came to be, me being here with my mother. "Where are we mom?" I look around but I can't seem to recognize my surroundings, I can't make out anything. I don't even remember how I got here, maybe I succeed in ending my life, maybe there really was someone in the house and he killed me.

"It doesn't matter darling," As she continues patting my head delicately, smiling indulgently at me.

"I miss you so bad mom," And I cry, I cry for the lost moments that I could've had with her, I cry for the hurt that I've been through, the hell that I lived after her death. As I hug her to me, I sob and I feel as if I cannot get her close enough.

"Honey, I miss you too, every minute of every day, but it's how it is now, you have to accept it."

"I don't want to accept it, I just want to stay with you," As I hold onto her even more.

She laughs a little, and I cry even more, having missed that carefree sound.

She takes my head in between her warm hands and says, "My Bella, you don't need me anymore, know that I'll always be around for you, wherever you are, I'll always be watching over you, I'll always be here," And she goes to touch me where my heart beats loudly and uncontrollably, "But you have your own life now, you need to take care of yourself my little girl, hurting yourself will get you nowhere, on the other hand, opening yourself up to life will take you to the highest, brightest places of your existence. And Bella, put that boy out of his misery, you both deserve happiness."

"He does, that's why I let him go, mom," And I remember what happened, my tears start to fall again, as I fight for breath.

"Bella, you deserve to be happy too, and that boy is willing to fight for you, so you need to fight back too, you love each other, so you need to make sure preserve that love, not many people have the chance to share such a bond."

"Mom, I don't love…" And it's then I realize the extent of what I feel for him. I turn to look at my mom and she just smiles at me.

I wake up with a start, breathing harshly into the silent night; I realize I'm still lying on the floor of the living room, my eyes damp from my tears still.

It was a dream, I really felt as if it was all real, but it was not, I saw my mother, I hear all her words again, as vivid as she was in my sleep, I miss her more than anything, and that's when I know that my decision is finally made.

҉

There's a light knock on the door and I know he's arrived. After spending the entire weekend home, deciding how to go about this, I finally called Edward about twenty minutes ago and told him to come by because I wanted to talk to him.

I open the door and let him in. I take his hand without a word as we sit on the couch so we're facing each other. He's worried, I know that by the frown that mars his beautiful features, but I can't blame him. With me you can always expect the worst... but I want to change that. I can't let his bright light dim, I can't…

"Promise me you will not say a word until I finish what I want to say," I begin. His frown deepens, and I smooth his forehead with my hand. The gesture calms him somewhat, and he responds with a simple "Yes," and a firm nod.

"The reason I called you here Edward is that I want to lay my heart out to you, I want to say everything that I've kept inside for so long. First of all I'm sorry for what I've put you through, I really am." He tries to shush me but I don't let him. "And … if you still want to help me, I'm ready to take it, I want you to help me. I know you will and I know you'll succeed because you're really strong and you deal so well with my stubbornness." We chuckle through teary eyes.

"I've accepted that you being here for me is your decision to make and not mine to take and I've come to terms with it and mainly because I want you to do it, you're more than enough Edward and I love you more than you can ever imagine, I love you Edward, so much, I thought I was not capable of loving after my mother died, but the intensity of my feelings for you is beyond anything I could have imagined. I think my love for you is what saved me. I promise you I will not run from it. I will not run from you."

Before I can blink, I'm swept up in his arms as he's spins me around the living room, his laugh echoing through the house. And with that I finally feel secure, cherished and loved. But nothing compares to what follows.

"Bella, thank you! Thank you so much for letting me in. I love you too, with all my heart." And as simple as that, he made me feel whole again. We poured every feeling we had in that moment, without even uttering a word. And as we kissed like there was no tomorrow, it was truly the beginning of the rest of our life.

҉҉҉҉҉


End file.
